A title by any other name... (RANT) - Printable Version

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A title by any other name... (RANT) - darkfanboy - 01-19-2014

Need some place to vent and facebook is definitely not it. Have you ever had one of those lifetimes where nothing goes right, no matter how hard you try. I'm just getting really down lately and can never find the words to say what is wrong unless I write it.

With the fourth anniversary of my sons death approaching, I don't feel any less or better than I did the day it happened. I only talk about it to close friends (this includes several people on this site) and have never openly talked about it on any forum but this one. I try every year to post something about it on facebook and always find myself here talking about it with you guys staring at the screen for sometimes hours.

I just don't feel like a person anymore. Seems I have some small recognition in my hometown for the business that I run, harboring all the geeks and nerds I can. My store was doing well till this past Horrorday Season... (I'm a Scrooge and a Grench, I hate holidays). Weather has been poor, trapped inside a lot except when I'm at my second job. I like it, gets me out and about and I love driving. Bad part is I drive alone, so my mind wanders and it always wanders where I don't want it.

I'm also getting fat. Nothing major, spare tire and love handles. I've been trying for years to gain weight, but metabolism is so damn high it drives me nuts. Now that I'm gaining weight and starting to look like I could be 3 or 4 months pregnant I hate myself. I yearn for it so bad. I want to have more kids, but my wife is terribly scared. I find myself just as scared and scarred. I will turn 34 just a few days after the 4th anniversary and I feel like the end is coming soon. Like there are fewer and fewer chances to have children, and it's maddening. I can be happy with just me and my wife, but the what if's are killing me.

Four years old. My family is on the smart side. My nephews are astounding. I think that my son could have been starting school this year. I look at everyone else and seen how happy they are... And it kills me. I deliver office supplies, and often to the local schools. I see so many kids, remember how horrid my school days were, but think how amazing it was growing up. Things are so new, fresh, exciting. And I'm just watching from the outside, looking in... as always.

If anyone has read this far you probably want to tl;dr and move on. I won't blame you. I just needed a place to explode.

...Just so damn lost and frustrated anymore.

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