06-15-2017, 10:44 AM
I was beyond thankful for Quinn who had me regularly checked up after the incident just to make sure I was okay, and to Andres too that made efforts to keep me safe and well. But despite all my thankfulness to my mate, I can't still shake the feeling of fear for him. Every time he touched me, I would recall how the hands that hold me were once used to drip blood from killing one of our kind. It always sent me chills.
I do not like the way he would look hurt after I reacted negatively at him. I become angry with myself. In my anger, I sometimes let it out on him, blaming him that he needed to trigger my fear for him only to get hurt. Arguments between us increased. Every time, I feel guilty that as I punish myself, I punish my love as well, and it only made me more moody. Maybe what we need was distance? And so I tried to be apart from him as much as possible, burying myself in work.
As I was making bigger clothes, my mate came to me asking many things about what was happening between us. I flinched, but nonetheless relented to answer. Maybe what we really need is closure. I know how hard he is trying, and it pains me more how he would only get to spend time with the pups when he thought I was sleeping because I wouldn't turn him away. I put my sewing materials down and placed my idle hands on my stomach. It had surely grown these past days.
"Yes. The reason why I've been avoiding you is because I was still afraid of you. I kept remembering what you did and I can't help but think you could do the same with us." I looked down sadly on my belly where the pups rested. "I-I tried not to... but I can't. I don't know what you could do. Maybe we should spend more time with each other, so we could rebuild the trust again? I-I'll give up an hour everyday from work to be with you, and maybe you could do the same? You're always at the bakery and when we do meet, it comes to me as a surprise because I've grown unfamiliar with you..." I sighed and bowed my head.
"I'm sorry that I've been really moody lately. I love you but I can't control how I feel about you now... and I feel like it's your fault why I turn up hurting you with bad reactions. Sorry love." At the mention of the pups arrival, I smiled a bit; though there was that bit of sadness.
"I know they are coming... that's why the more I fear. I'm more paranoid that they'll be hurt by...you. But you won't, right? I-I'm sorry."
I do not like the way he would look hurt after I reacted negatively at him. I become angry with myself. In my anger, I sometimes let it out on him, blaming him that he needed to trigger my fear for him only to get hurt. Arguments between us increased. Every time, I feel guilty that as I punish myself, I punish my love as well, and it only made me more moody. Maybe what we need was distance? And so I tried to be apart from him as much as possible, burying myself in work.
As I was making bigger clothes, my mate came to me asking many things about what was happening between us. I flinched, but nonetheless relented to answer. Maybe what we really need is closure. I know how hard he is trying, and it pains me more how he would only get to spend time with the pups when he thought I was sleeping because I wouldn't turn him away. I put my sewing materials down and placed my idle hands on my stomach. It had surely grown these past days.
"Yes. The reason why I've been avoiding you is because I was still afraid of you. I kept remembering what you did and I can't help but think you could do the same with us." I looked down sadly on my belly where the pups rested. "I-I tried not to... but I can't. I don't know what you could do. Maybe we should spend more time with each other, so we could rebuild the trust again? I-I'll give up an hour everyday from work to be with you, and maybe you could do the same? You're always at the bakery and when we do meet, it comes to me as a surprise because I've grown unfamiliar with you..." I sighed and bowed my head.
"I'm sorry that I've been really moody lately. I love you but I can't control how I feel about you now... and I feel like it's your fault why I turn up hurting you with bad reactions. Sorry love." At the mention of the pups arrival, I smiled a bit; though there was that bit of sadness.
"I know they are coming... that's why the more I fear. I'm more paranoid that they'll be hurt by...you. But you won't, right? I-I'm sorry."