Silas sighed as he looked between Marc and Sidney "That is what I wanted to do... be Sidney's carrier... He has done it for me, so I want to repay him that debt by doing it for him... Possibly more than once if this one goes well..." Silas said as he looked at Sidney and smiled lightly.
He turned back to Marc, already rolling up his shirt sleeve "Do whatever you have to do... I may punch you, but... I am yours for the prodding."
"Well that's promising," Marc said dryly. "Can you hold him down or something?"
Sidney snorted and shook his head. "Nope. Just be quick. I'll make sure he keeps his eyes on me."
Marc shrugged and went to work. Sidney turned Silas's face towards him, smiling warmly. "We are going to have a baby, Silas. I'm going to get to put a baby in you this time. Sort of."
Silas growled as the needle slid into his skin, his fists clenching as an automatic response to the pain and sheer dislike of anything sharp and pointed being inserted into his flesh. But, he maintained focus on Sidney and did the deep breathing exercises that had been taught to him over the years to help deal with his anxiety "See, I told you that you would not get to..." Silas blushed bright red and cleared his throat.
"For all the trouble, I may perhaps... consider the idea... but only once and only if we are allowed to do it that way..." Silas said quietly, not wanting Marc to hear - although he was almost positive the man beside him could hear their conversation.
Silas started feeling lightheaded with every drop of blood that Marc seemed to be sucking out of his arm "WHAT THE HELL MARC?!" he shouted, turning his head and glowering at the man, teeth bared like a rapid dog and growling in anger.
Marc scowled right back at him. "I am almost done. I have only taken one tube. I need a second tube to run your normal bloodwork so stop growling at me or I won't knock you up!"
Sidney turned Silas's face back to him. "He really only has taken one tube and is on the second. You're breathing really fast so slow down your breathing and concentrate on me instead. Deep breath in and out. In and out. In and - "
Marc took the needle out and Silas collapsed on the table, passing out. Sidney sighed and shook his head. "Should have guessed that would happen."
"Let's get his feet up," Marc said, grasping Silas's legs and maneuvering him with Sidney's help so he was lying down. "He'll come to in a minute."
Even though Marc said it would take only a minute before Silas came too, it took him nearly five minutes before he was even blinking his eyes. He groaned loudly and blinked his eyes open, staring at the dotted ceiling tile "Sid...?" he croaked, aimlessly reaching his hand out to find his husband's hand.
He felt like he was on an inversion table, upside down sort-of, it was not a good feeling at all and he felt quite sick to his stomach being laid out like he was, his face paling and cheeks puffing slightly. It was only a matter of seconds before he was turning - almost falling off the exam table, had it not been for Marc quickly grabbing him around the waist - and throwing up on the ground below him.
"Whoa!" Marc jumped back but still held him on the table. "Okay big guy. Just relax. You're fine. Sid!"
Sidney came hurrying back from the bathroom, surprised to find Silas awake and throwing up everywhere. "Okay, baby. I'm here." He rubbed his back and tried to get him to stop hyperventilating when he was done throwing up. "Silas, you have to calm down or you're going to pass out again. You are fine. Nothing bad is happening to you. I'm right here and I won't let anything happen to you. Understand me?"
Silas struggled to an upright position, dropping his chin to his chest as he took several deep breaths and tried to ignore the smell of his own vomit as it filtered the room and his own mouth "Sorry... I'm sorry... It was..." he inhaled deeply through his nose and let it out slowly "The blood and the... being laid down like that... I panicked..."
Silas rubbed his head vigorously and sighed heavily "I'm okay now... Promise." Silas said with a smile as he looked between Sidney and Marc "Did you get what you needed from me?"
"I did," Marc said, leaning down to clean up the vomit quickly and efficiently. "There is one other thing we need to discuss and it is going to be uncomfortable for you but I have to say it." He tossed the paper towels and washed his hands before coming back to face Silas. "I have to be able to examine you internally. And I actually don't want to know about your sex life but I don't think you generally do much back there. I can't visualize your cervix on an ultrasound. I have to feel it. I need to be able to do that without you killing me so just maybe think about that and maybe let Sid do that first so I'm not the one breaking the seal so to speak."
Silas nodded slowly, his face going slightly red "Okay..." he said quietly, placing his hands together in his lap and looking down at them "Is there anything else you have to do now or...?"
"Nope. I'm not going to do that until after the bloodwork comes back. But I do have to before we implant the embryo. So bloodwork, internal exam, egg harvest and semen sample, embryo implantation. That's our plan that we're on," Marc said. "And since all of this is covered under HIPAA, you don't have to worry about me telling Kris. I do actually keep my patients secrets."
"Thanks Marc," Sidney said, leaning up to hug him. "We appreciate all your help."
Throughout the rest of the evening, Silas was rather silent and didn't participate in the scheduled family-fun night of movies and popcorn. He opted instead to stay in their home office which was connected to the master bedroom but separated by french doors.
He knew that Sidney had just put the kids down to bed - Calla fighting him the entire way as she did every night.
He looked up when one of the two glass doors opened and Sidney slipped inside "Kids all asleep?" he asked, and Sidney nodded warily "I'm sorry I wasn't much help tonight... It's just... all of this information and thoughts... It's making me a little scatter brained."
Sidney wrapped his arms around Silas from behind. "Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was soft as he leaned his head against Silas's. "You're allowed to have second thoughts. You can change your mind."
Silas shook his head and held onto Sidney's hands that were resting against his sternum "I'm not having doubts, second thoughts, or anything like that... and I certainly don't want to change my mind..." Silas sighed and slowly turned the office chair, pulling Sidney down into his lap and snuggling him close "I am just afraid of the... internal exams and... all of the blood work."
"I love you, Sid... and I would do anything to make you happy - enduring all of this is what I want to do... I just have to figure out how to release the fear of being... touched down there." Silas said quietly, blinking away a few tears that had come to his eyes - there was obviously something in Silas' past that had never come to light in their nine years of being together that had Silas reluctant to explore anything anal on himself with Sidney.
Sidney cupped his cheek gently. "Baby, why are you so afraid of being touched there? You know I would never do anything to hurt you." He pressed a gentle kiss to his jaw. "I'm very happy with our sex life so please know that I'm not missing anything by not getting to be on top. I just don't want you to be so afraid of it. Especially since Marc has to examine you and if you give birth naturally, you're going to be using it in a whole different way."
Silas closed his eyes and buried his head against Sidney's shoulder, taking several shaky, shuddering, breaths as he gripped Sidney's hip "It's... It is difficult to discuss..." Silas said quietly, and now there were tears, silent ones, but they were tracking down his cheeks and soaking into Sidney's t-shirt. "He was our uncle... well, not like... blood uncle... one of my dad's closest friends... he would take me and Sirius out on camping trips, and fishing trips... Spoiled us from the moment we were born..."
Silas sniffled and shook his head "When Sirius and I turned thirteen... He uh... He took us on a camping trip for a whole week..." clearing his throat, Silas looked up at Sidney, eyes red and puffy looking now "He told us that it was... time for us to learn how to become men, do more manly things..." Silas let out a strangled sob and pushed his forehead against Sidney's bicep "I didn't want to do it... Sirius... he did it, he had... had a crush on him... for such a long time... and... they... right next to me... and he tried involving me... touching me and stuff... I didn't want a single part of it..."
He fell silent for a few seconds, trying to calm the wave of emotion as it coursed through his body "I called my dad... that next morning when I was able to get away for the bathroom and shower..." Silas shook his head and sighed "Have never seen him since that camping trip... And my dad would never speak of him again after that..."
Sidney's blood ran cold at Silas's halting confession. He clutched his husband close, whispering words of love in his ear. He cupped Silas's face in his hands and looked at him seriously. "What happened? That wasn't your fault. It wasn't Sirius's either. You were 13. Neither of you could consent to anything. He was the one who was wrong."
Sidney pressed a kiss to Silas's forehead. "I love you and will always love you. Nothing you tell me will change that."
Silas nodded slowly "I know that..." he pointed to his head "In here... but still I have trouble with it. My dad got me a therapist... because Sirius... he claimed to not need one... That he was happy... satisfied with what happened to him..." Silas shook his head and stood up slowly with Sidney in his arms.
He carried Sidney into the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed, then crouched in front of his husband "I will do anything, Sidney, anything for you... but we... You have to work... hard and careful... at getting me to that point of... total relaxation and submission... I do not know what will happen when Marc does this... they may have to strap me down... but I want to have babies for you, Sid... and if this is the only way -- then that is what I will do."
((We can skip that part if you wanna, since we only just had sex a couple pages ago... Up to you though, or we can discuss it in PM.))
Sidney kissed him gently. "It's not an act of submission. I'm not submitting to you when we have sex, Silas. We're together, sharing our bodies and our pleasure. That's all and that's all it should be." He kissed him again, not deepening the kiss. "I don't think right now is the best time to try. Both of us are tired and worked up. I wou look d much rather hold you in my arms and rest then try to push this now and make things worse."
When Silas looked like he was going to protest, Sidney shook his head. "You can't force me into this like I can't force you. We are a partnership in all things. Let's go to sleep, my love. Let me hold you tonight."
Silas nodded and stood up, they both got ready for bed and then they laid down together. Silas laying against Sidney, as Sid had done for every night since they moved in together - it was weird, being the one in a position to get comforted, than being the one comforting... but, it also felt nice... and Silas felt safer in Sidney's arms than he ever felt anywhere else. It didn't take long for either of them to fall asleep after that, the emotional roller coaster of all that has happened from the clinic visit til now weighing them both down.
---------------
Taking close to a month for Silas to finally be 'ready enough' to have Marc do an internal exam on him, Silas and Sidney were very close to accomplishing yet another milestone in their lives - a fourth child. Everything was in order about Silas' internal organs, and yeah, Marc had to strap his arms down to keep from getting punched in the face or worse - but it was a small price to pay for the love of Silas' life and the child that they would be some day bringing into this world.
But, of course, before they went ahead and did the insemination - although a readily available option to both of them since their samples came back clean and viable for it - they wanted to talk to their three children, and see how each of them would feel about the addition of a new baby into the house.
Thus the family meeting that they were having in the living room - Chloe, Jasper, and new Great Dane puppy Zeus all included in the meeting. Silas and Sidney sat across from their three children; Calla was barely focusing as she played with a Rubik cube, Titan and Theo were presently available, waiting for whatever bomb to drop.
Silas reached over and tapped Calla's knee lightly "Calla, sweetie, your daddy and I have to speak with you and your brothers about something very important. Could you please put the Rubik cube down so we can talk?" he asked gently after he got eye contact with Calla.
Calla nodded and set the cube aside, but still she fidgeted and squirmed in her seat as the meeting finally came into action "Your dad and I have been discussing the option of having another child..." Silas said, grasping Sidney's hand in his own and squeezing lightly "But, because of the problems that daddy has had with his body when pregnant... I've decided that I will be the one to have this baby for him..."
Silas was hoping that getting straight down to the point, not beating around the bush, would be the way to go with his children; he didn't want any temper tantrums bursting into the conversation - he kept a close eye on Calla, who would no doubt be the one to cause a scene of epic proportions.
Calla tilted her head and looked at them both. "I don't understand. Why would you want a baby? You have us."
Sidney caught Silas's eye briefly. "Yes and we would like to have another child as well. We want to make our family bigger. That's why we want a baby. Not to replace any of you but in addition to you."
Titan crossed his arms over his chest. "Adda, you're too old to have a baby."